There are things that happen in this life that you just don’t see coming. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself—to coach yourself—you can be thrown off guard.
I get that life throws you curves.
But the idea that there would be a part 2 to my previous “Dead Things” blog is something that, prior to this morning, I would have thought impossible. I would have said, “There is no way…no just world would provide the opportunity to write a second one. Some other crazy concept, maybe—but not another Dead Things blog!” I would have checked your temperature. I would have raised my eyebrow in a judgmental fashion. I would have shaken my head and sworn to heaven and hell that turning dead people into diamonds and dead pets into paper weights was the extremity of creepy cremation habits. Then, nervously, I would have gone about my business.
And I would have been wrong…so wrong.
In the aforementioned Dead Things blog…which is not posted as a “part 1” because, as I said, I was ill-prepared…I made a reference to Silence of the Lambs and compared people who wear their relatives as jewelry to Buffalo Bill. It was a tongue-and-cheek comment that I might not have even thought of had I not recently watched the movie.
It is impossible, however, to continue on this rant without making yet another Silence of the Lambs reference. We incarcerated Dr. Hannibal Lecter…so how about Casie of Fayetteville, Tennessee? Can we not, at the very least, send her to the funny farm?
This woman not only went through a period where she carried 6 pounds of her husband’s ashes everywhere she went (the movies, the grocery store, etc)…but now she is eating them.
She is eating them. Like—she ran out of Oreos and decided she would just start eating his cremated remains. I guess she figured it would save her a trip to the supermarket.
Really, I would like to have a talk with Casie. There are just so many things I feel I need to know…things that, up until recently, I never knew I had to know.
Unforeseeable Question Number 1:
How often do you indulge in this guilty pleasure?
Is this a once-a month ordeal or is it more like a daily multivitamin? Is it emotionally-driven? Do you indulge in this little treat the way I indulge in green olives and chocolate? Is there a specific time of day that is reserved for your daily dose of ashes, or is it spontaneous? Casie has already gone through 1 out of the original 6 pounds of ashes. At what rate is she eating them, and how much at a time?
Unforeseeable Question Number 2:
How do you go about eating these ashes?
Do you garnish them, or do you eat them straight? Is this the type of thing where you have to add ketchup or salt, or can you just eat it as-is? Also, can you use the ashes as a seasoning for your favorite entrée? Do you spread it on crackers like caviar? Does it work well with granola? If I were to eat ashes, do you recommend that I add milk?
Unforeseeable Question Number 3:
What do you drink when you eat them?
Seriously—other than gallons of vomit-inducing Jaeger or perhaps authentic Absinth, I cannot think of one single thing that might provoke me to even think about touching a dead person’s ashes, let alone eating them. What’s sad is that I’m not even asking if you get drunk first. I am actually asking, from a wine critic’s point of view, is: what drinks pair well with your husband’s remains? I imagine that ashes would give you wicked cottonmouth, so what do you do to satiate this thirst? Does anything bring out the flavor or is it the type of thing where you have to take a chaser of red bull?
Unforeseeable Question Number 4:
How many Weight Watchers points are in a single serving of human remains?
This kind of plays off of my suggestion that she might be counting her calories and opting out of conventional snack foods. Perhaps Casie knows something we don’t. Maybe she heard Oreos have too many calories and decided that instead of opting for that 100 calorie bag she would just reach into the urn instead of the cookie jar. Perhaps all of this time I could have saved myself hundreds of dollars in gym memberships and several hours of crunches and self-loathing by choosing ashes instead of Kit Kat bars.
Unforeseeable Question Number 5:
Have you noticed any physical changes now that you’ve begun eating said ashes?
Do you have more energy? Is there a change in your iron levels? More importantly—on a less optimistic note—are you concerned about the chemicals that are left in these remains post-cremation? Did it ever occur to you that we no longer hoist people up on pilings with some oil and set them ablaze like the Greeks? We put chemicals in our celery. You know they put chemicals on dead people. You can’t pay a little extra for an urn-full of organic, preservative free ashes. There is no such thing.
Unforeseeable Question Number 6:
Is it still considered cannibalism to eat another human being after they are cremated?
This one is more a question for the general public than it is to Casie herself. I don’t expect a sane answer from her one way or the other. But for those of us on the outside looking in, I’d like to take a poll: who believes that, after you are reduced to dust, you are no longer technically a person…and who believes (as my friend Tasha put it) that charred human remains are simply people cooked “well-done”? There is a dig in there somewhere linking “butterflied” steak with the Silence of the Lambs moths, but I haven’t been able to think of a way to phrase it yet. My brain is still going through shock and I’m afraid I’m not working on all cylinders. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Even worse than all of this, of course, is the fact that Shawn (her appetizer) would have never seen this coming. I now have to look at every guy I date and wonder, if we get married and I kick it, is he going to turn me into a dessert?
As if I needed more complexes in regards to the opposite sex.
Anyway, she is still out roaming the streets of some random neighborhood, so be on the lookout. If all else fails, offer her some farva beans and a nice Chianti. I hear Gabbiano works great with spiced ashes on toast.